Peppy's Dream Moving Adventure Blog

I don’t know what time Eric got home last night.  I didn’t fall asleep until almost midnight, and then I woke up when he got home and we only talked a little, because he wanted me to go back to sleep.  We’re both pretty light sleepers, and I could tell neither one of us got a lot of sleep last night.  I really wanted to come home and take a nap, but I ended up staying at work later than I thought (2:00pm) and then ran a million errands with Eric.

Eric is very down in the dumps.  Everything he says is negative.  I tell him he’s a volcano of negativity, because he’s always spewing negative thoughts.  Everything he says is negative.   I really don’t know how much more of this I can take.  It’s so hard to live with someone who is always mad, always unhappy, always criticizing his environment, always putting down everything around him.  He’s not mean to me – he doesn’t pick on me or put me down, but it hurts me that the place I love is so abhorrent to him.  He complains that it’s too hot and dreads the summer, because he’ll be “roasting.”  Meanwhile, the weather here is PERFECT.  It's PARADISE.  I SWEAR to you!

I know that anyone who knows anything about depression will understand that it’s not Eric’s fault and that he needs help, but I can’t get him to seek help.  He just won’t do anything about it, because he says he just has to “deal with the situation until he can get the hell out of here.”

Today we learned about the young man who went into an Illinois university and killed 5 people, injuring many more.  They said that he was on some kind of medication, but he stopped taking it.  I have told Eric I think he needs antidepressants.  Today he said he was afraid to take them, because then if he stopped taking them he might kill somebody.

I had printed a list of the signs of depression and he pretty much shows every sign.  I am positive he’s got clinical depression, because his reaction to San Diego and the mountain biking situation is so out of proportion.  If he thought we were staying here forever, I could see him getting so down, but I have already told him – a million times – that we will leave here in November and move to North Carolina.  If he can’t put up with this place for one year, and deal with the situation, then something is really wrong.

It’s weird, because one day everything will be so great (like the day he brought the roses to me at work), and then another day he’s just about giving up (today).  I realize that the good days are just days when he forces himself to smile, to be happy, to be in a good mood, but it’s not real.

I wish I knew for sure that moving to North Carolina would make everything better, but I’m SO scared that we’ll make this huge move and have another huge upheaval and things won’t really get better.  I could be wrong and some great forests and mountains are all he needs to be happy.  It could really happen.  But should I be willing to take that chance?

I have told him several times that he should leave – go to North Carolina – live in the RV and get a job, get settled, go mountain biking.  I will stay here, keep working, save money, pack us up, ship everything to NC and join him there when I can.  He says he needs to be with me.  He can’t leave me.  I think he’s just scared of being on his own, and he relies on me for so many things. 

It really helps that I’m at work all day, kept pretty busy and surrounded by lovely people.  Being with him these days is really not much fun.  For the last 4 months I’ve been praying that he will “snap out of it,” or that he’ll adjust, or just learn to deal until we can leave.  I know now that my eternal optimism is not going to win this time.  Eric is not going to get better while we’re here, and I’m not sure how this will end.

Whenever we're together, even just sitting and watching TV, I am cringing, because I know anything negative they mention on TV will set him off.  If there's a robbery on the news, he says that the crime here is the worst in the country.  Anything he can latch on to which will help him in his case of Eric vs. California, he will say it.

On to another subject:  Today my weight was the lowest yet – 127.8.  It was great, especially since I ate more than I should have last night.  I did some emotional eating, because I was feeling sorry for myself that I was alone on Valentine’s Day.  You can imagine my surprise when I actually got below 128 this morning.  I guess maybe this diet IS working, albeit very slowly.  I wish I was the kind of person who couldn't eat when they were stressed or upset, but I think I've always eaten more.  Not a good thing when you're stressed and upset more than usual!

Eric had to pick me up at work, because my ride left at 12:30pm and I had to stay until 2:00pm.  We went to CIRCUIT CITY to check out cameras.  I knew exactly which one I wanted (the one my niece Jessica has), so it was pretty easy.  We checked out the price at CIRCUIT CITY and then went to COSTCO to see how much it was there.  We looked at the cameras, but they no longer carry the model I wanted.  We shopped a little, picking up laundry detergent, toilet paper, balsamic vinegar, sugarless gum and FUZE, a 10 calorie fruit drink I really like.  I always liked shopping at BJs in NY, because you get so much more for your money.

I had to join COSTCO before we could pay, so Eric stayed by the shopping cart and I filled out all the paperwork (as usual).  It costs $50 to join, but I think you save that in one or two trips, because shopping at KEILS and buying the tiny bottles of things like detergent or balsamic vinegar just makes you realize how great the prices are at BJs!  I got 12 packs of gum for less than $8.  If you buy a pack of gum in the store, it’s at least $1, so there’s a savings of $4 right there!  We got 300 oz. of detergent for $11, and I usually pay at least $3 or $4 for 64 oz.

After we left COSTCO we went back to CIRCUIT CITY, so I could buy the camera, since they didn’t have it at COSTCO.  Turns out, they didn’t have any left, but the guy gave me a great deal on the floor model, which looked perfect.  He gave me $50 off, and then I bought the 4-year warrantee for $50, so I’m guaranteed that the camera will work, and it didn’t cost me any extra money.  What DID cost extra was the card and the case, because they don’t come with that, so they get you coming and going!

Eric had mentioned that he wanted to listen to music while he was riding, because he thought it would make it more enjoyable.  Since neither of us knows how to use an IPOD and Eric said he didn’t think he’d like the sound quality, I bought him a portable CD player/AM/FM radio.  It’s a lot cheaper than the IPOD and I think it will be fine for him.  We just can’t seem to get into the 21st century, can we?

After that, Eric dropped me at STARBUCKS, so I could get my Iced Grande Decaf Skinny Mocha Latte.  I only get to have STARBUCKS on the weekends now, so I REALLY appreciate it!

When we got home, Eric apologized for being so crabby and said he felt bad that his being so unhappy was making me unhappy.  I really think he means it.  I think he knows what this is doing to me, but he can’t help himself.  I have thought about couples therapy, but I think I’d end up doing all the talking, because that’s how it’s always been with the two of us.  He clams up and I talk.  So, is that going to help?

I made us the last of my delicious veggie soup and we each had a NUTRISYSTEM entrée.  I know Eric is not eating well and even bragged that he hadn’t eaten anything all day.  He thinks it’s impressive that he is starving himself, and he’s getting thinner than ever, but then I’ll make him dinner and he eats the whole thing, so I don’t know what to think.  He used to take vitamins every day, but now he never takes them.  That was one of the first signs, when we were on the road, that he wasn’t doing well.  He stopped taking his vitamins and I couldn’t convince him to start again.

After dinner I went and did two loads of laundry.  Eric has a new system to hang the laundry that I don’t put in the dryer (jeans, t-shirts, my tops, stockings, etc.).  He ties a rope to the hinges on the kitchen cabinet doors and strings it all around so there are clothes hanging everywhere.  You have to go past my pjs to open the refrigerator door.  It looks pretty funny.  When I get my new camera going (tomorrow), I’ll take a picture.  That’s one positive thing – you can expect a lot more pictures in the blog!

Tomorrow I am getting a cut and color at noon.  It’s always nice to pamper myself a little, and I REALLY need the cut AND the color. Those roots are really showing!  I was thinking of getting a pedicure after that, to really pamper myself.  I figure I deserve it.  I’m a working girl now!

Tonight I got another lovely email from another darling friend.  His name is Stephen and he lives in Canada.  He is “one of the 10” who also reads my blog religiously.  I met Stephen in the city while waiting to see a show.  We exchanged emails, started corresponding, and then became theatre buddies.  Whenever he would come to town (which was 3 or 4 times a year) we’d go to dinner and see a Broadway musical.  We always had a fabulous time and he is the best company.

He came to spend a night at our house and Eric had a great time with him, too!  I also brought Stephen to Fire Island to meet my friend, Artie, and they hit it off.  Canadian Stephen, as I call him, is a sweetheart, and just like so many other friends I have.  I hardly ever see him, we don’t even email much, but he is in my heart and I am grateful for his friendship.

I’m crying now, because I’m thinking of the people who read this every day.  I know you’re worried about us.  I know you feel helpless, because you’re so many miles away and we’re here, and Eric is suffering.  I want you to know that we will be okay.  I promise you.  I will do whatever I have to do to help him, to help us.  We will get through this.

I could never write this if I thought my mother would read it, because she really doesn’t know much about this.  She knows that Eric is unhappy, and that we’re planning to leave San Diego.  She’s actually happy that I will be closer to her (in Florida) because she misses me a lot.  She just doesn’t know how serious the situation has gotten.  I don’t want her to know, because she would feel the most helpless of all and I don’t want to upset her.

Tomorrow is another day and I have a three day weekend.  I have to enjoy it, because when you’re working you live for the weekends.  Right?

Before I close, I have to share two things with you.  One is a picture of our great-niece, Rian (who will be 1 in 2 weeks), and my great-nephew, Kyle.  Aren't they gorgeous?

The other is a letter from a child to God.  Someone sent me a bunch of letters and they were all REALLY funny, but this was my favorite.  It reflects my feelings about winter perfectly and mirrors my own thoughts.  ENJOY!