It’s mid-April and it’s pretty hot. Well, it’s not so hot outside – about 70 degrees today – but it gets SO hot in the apartment! I don’t know if it’s the fact that we’re on the second floor and the sun beats down on the roof, or the fact that we’re a corner apartment, so the sun hits us from different directions all day. All I know is we have to keep the windows open and the ceiling fan going all day and it’s still stuffy in here! It doesn’t cool down until around 6:00pm. I cannot imagine what it will be like in the dead of summer. I know it’s not supposed to get too hot in SD, but I just can’t imagine that it’s not going to get a lot hotter than it already is!
Anyway, we woke up this morning and Eric had a bad headache. I worked on the computer and did all the paperwork for our COBRA medical benefits. I decided to walk over to KEILS to do our grocery shopping and asked Eric to pick me up when I was done. I wanted to get a little exercise, and my elbow is really bothering me, so I didn’t want to have to even lift the packages from the cart to the trunk.
I did a big food shopping – stocking up on lots of fruit, veggies, and other healthy choices. Eric picked me up and carried most of the packages up for me. I carried what I could in my right hand. I don’t know WHAT I did to my left elbow and it’s really disturbing, because my left hand is FINALLY better after my mid-January fall, and I was really ready to start yoga after my class with Steffie in Charlotte. I hope my elbow will get better this week, but right now it hurts if I lift anything heavier than a glass.
Eric helped me put all the groceries away and then we relaxed for a while. His headache only got better because he took two Excedrin Migraines, which he hates to do. He waits as long as he can to see if it will get better on its own, but of course it never does. He’s had more headaches lately than ever and I honestly believe it’s all stress. He does have high blood pressure, but it has never been very bad, but I have a feeling his stress is making his blood pressure go up and the high blood pressure is giving him these headaches. I try to make life as easy for him as possible, but of course we do fight and argue about stuff a lot lately, since we’re so unsure of our future, and I know that doesn’t help.
I try to be super supportive of him and I baby him a lot, but then I worry that I’m not doing him any favors by doing everything for him and making everything so easy on him. I do want him to find work and I do believe he can, but he doesn’t think he is suited for anything but steam-fitting. I remind him that he worked in a bicycle shop for years, and also did a lot of construction, including interior painting, building decks, re-doing bathrooms, kitchens, etc. He can do anything! He just has to believe in himself. The problem is you can tell a person a hundred times how wonderful they are, how capable they are, and how they can achieve anything – but if they don’t think or believe it themselves, it’s hard to make it happen.
I don’t know why I have the self-confidence I have always had. I try to figure it out and I can only think it was my mother. My mother always encouraged us and complimented us and supported us. She made us feel smart, beautiful and talented and would tell us all the time. I guess she drummed it into our heads, because my sisters and I all have a lot of confidence in ourselves. There’s no shortage of self-esteem in my family!
I also believe I’m kind of fearless. Not that I’m not afraid of ANYTHING, because I am afraid of big hills (like those crazy streets in San Francisco), and I don’t like bugs much either. I would never bungee jump or sky dive. I mean I’m fearless, because I’m not afraid to fail. I figure if you don’t try you can’t succeed, so I’d rather try and fail than not try at all. I’m not afraid to go on a job interview, because I figure if they don’t want me it’s not an insult to me, or a reflection on my skills. It just means that we’re not the right fit.
I always felt that way when I auditioned for parts in musicals or plays. I know when I read a book I get an image in my mind of what the characters look like. Sometimes, when you see a movie of a book you’ve read, it can be very disappointing if the casting is not to your satisfaction. Well, when I went into an audition I always knew that the director had a picture in his mind of what the character was going to look like. If I fit that picture, I had a much better chance of getting the part. If I didn’t, I could have the best audition possible, but chances are I wouldn’t get the part, because he didn’t “see me” in that part.
I don’t know why, but Eric doesn’t have that fearlessness inside him. He’s fearless in so many other ways. He rode a motorcycle with all the skills of a professional. He is able to ride a mountain bike the same way – attempting stunts that kids half his age wouldn’t try. He knew his capabilities and would think long and hard, figuring out what it was going to take to complete a trick before he would attempt it. He’s fearless that way, but he doesn’t have the confidence to be rejected by a potential employer. He doesn’t think he is good at anything but steam-fitting, so he’s afraid to try to find a different job. There’s very little union steam-fitting in San Diego and it’s very frustrating to him.
He thinks that going back to NY and getting back with one of his old bosses is the answer, but he doesn’t remember how often he got laid off back in NY. As much work as there is going on in NY, there are a LOT more steamfitters than there are jobs. There always have been. Eric was a “union man” and wasn’t willing to break union rules, so the bosses never liked him. They like guys who are willing to cheat and break all the rules. They’re totally corrupt and Eric would never get involved with any of that.
Now, he regrets it. He actually says he wishes he had done all the things the bosses had asked of him, because then he would have worked more and wouldn’t have gotten laid off as much. I always told him I was proud of him for standing up for what he believed in. His father was a union man and raised him to respect the rules and stand by them. Why be in a union if you’re going to go behind their backs? I always respected that about Eric and never thought it was worth it to lower your standards, forget your beliefs, and give in to corruption in order to keep a job.
I always tell Eric that I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I wish he could see himself through my eyes, because then he would know that he was truly capable of anything. I think he knows what he can do, he’s just afraid of trying something new. I never realized how averse to change Eric was. I mean, he worked so many jobs over so many years – working in every borough of New York. I stayed with the same company for 20 years (although I did change departments, bosses and buildings a lot).
If I had known that bringing Eric across the country and changing his life so dramatically would bring him so much stress, I never would have done it. I just had no idea – no warning signs. I should have noticed that he was getting a little stressed even during our RV trip across the country. We were both gaining weight, but I took it in stride and just told myself I’d lose it when I got to San Diego (I’m still working on it!). He let not riding a lot and gaining a little weight really get to him, and he started to get more and more stressed the closer we got to California. The day we entered California he hated it and it only got worse as we got closer to San Diego.
He was so unhappy that I told him we should just start up the RV and keep going until we found someplace else to live, but he wanted to settle here, if only temporarily, because he thought it was the best thing to do. After all, our stuff was in a warehouse in San Diego, and we had already been traveling for 15 weeks! I agreed that we should get an apartment, but now I look back and wonder if it really was the best idea. I feel really lucky that I got to spend a winter here, and I’ve had a great winter, but it’s been stressful, because Eric is so unhappy!
Well, I’ve rambled enough – back to today! I made us a salad for lunch and then realized I had forgotten to mail the COBRA papers and another envelope, so I walked up three blocks to the closest mailbox. I was proud of myself, because I walked to KEILS today and then walked to the mailbox, when usually I would either take the car, or leave it for Eric to drop in the box on his bicycle.
At 8:00pm I made us a delicious dinner – tuna – cooked in the oven just long enough to leave it pink inside, with MORNINGSTAR veggie bites and I also made vegetable soup, which I haven’t made in weeks. The tuna came out perfectly and just melted in your mouth. The soup was good, but I felt like there was something missing, although I can’t figure out what it is! Maybe it will be better tomorrow. You know how some things are actually better the next day!
I spoke to our friends, Susan and Andrew, for quite some time today. I’m happy to report that Andrew’s home from his third trip to the hospital and he’s feeling much better. We all have to keep him in our prayers, because he’s been through a lot the last few weeks and I think enough is enough! Feel better, Andrew. We love you!