Peppy's Dream Moving Adventure Blog

I’ve been writing this blog for almost a year and have made 340 entries.  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.

Eric left this morning in the RV to go back to New York.  He’s been talking about it for a few months, more seriously for weeks.  I dropped a few hints in past blog entries, because I wanted to let you know what was going on, but at the same time I didn’t want to talk about it too much, because I was hoping it would never happen.

I wish I could say that he just left because he can’t find work here and he’s hoping to find work in New York, but it’s so much more than that.  It has nothing to do with our marriage.  Eric and I are still very much in love and this is breaking both our hearts.  Eric still didn’t want to leave this morning.  He told me how much he loves me and he’s so sad, but he feels that he has no life in San Diego, and I have to agree.

Eric didn’t really look for work much in the past months.  He got depressed and was sure there was nothing here for him, so he didn’t even bother to try.  He really made an effort way back in January and February, but when things didn’t pan out (after he had that awful job for a few weeks and then got laid off right away) he just stopped looking.

Eric has always been kind of depressed.  He was not the optimist that I was.  He was always very pessimistic, seeing the darker side of things, thinking the worst, and not being able to think positively.  So, when he moved here, the change was extreme for him.  He wasn’t riding, because he didn’t like the mountain biking here.  He wasn’t working.  He didn’t have any friends or family here.  He just couldn’t adjust.

I don’t know why it was so much easier for me, but I’ve always been the eternal optimist and I make happiness wherever I go.  I think you have to MAKE your own happiness.  No one can make you happy.  YOU have to make you happy.  I think maybe I was also able to adjust so much easier because San Diego was everything I thought it would be and I wasn’t disappointed at all.  I also found a job right away and have been working there since, which made it very easy for me.  I had a routine.  I had structure.  Eric didn’t have that, and it just got him down.

Eric wanted me to go back to NY with him, but I wasn’t convinced that NY would make him happy.  He wasn’t happy with NY when we were there, and couldn’t wait to leave.  Now that he was away, it seemed to be the answer to all his problems.  He was sure if he went back to New York and rode the places he used to ride, and got back to work, that he’d be happy.

I promised him that if that was true – if he was riding, and working, and happy – I would come back to New York.  I don’t want to.  I really don’t want to.  But I figure being unhappy a few months of the year (during the winter) is better than him being unhappy all the time here in San Diego.

I love San Diego, but it wouldn’t kill me to leave.  I have no friends here, and I’m only a temp at my job.  I have purposely not put down any roots, because pretty much from the day we got here I knew we wouldn’t be staying.  I kept hoping that Eric would adjust, that he would get used to it, that he would grow to like it, but it was the reverse.  He hated it more and more and got unhappier and more depressed with each day.

I saw him off this morning, before I got in the car with my ride.   I actually worked all day and was so busy that at times I forgot that Eric had left.  Then, I’d remember and get a sick feeling in my stomach.  I felt like a big phony, working, laughing, talking to people all day and inside I wanted to cry out, “My husband left today!”

Unfortunately, I don’t have a close relationship with anyone that I can open up to.  I’m sure they’d all feel bad and listen, but they’re not my friends, and I don’t want to impose.  So, I kept it to myself.  Also, I really didn't want to talk about it, because I knew I would cry, and I feel like if I start crying I'll never stop.

I’m lucky that I have so many dear friends and family that I CAN talk to, so I have no worries about that.  Unfortunately, right now, it’s very hard for me to talk about.  So, please excuse me if I write about it but don’t want to talk about it much.  It’s just too hard.  I miss him so much already.  We’ve never been apart longer than 7 days in 26 years.

The truth is, we’re still so much in love.  We need each other.  We want to be with each other.  We tried to make it work here, but it wasn’t working.  I told Eric I felt like I was under his dark cloud for the last seven months, but it was really even longer than that.  I started noticing Eric getting depressed when we were driving across the country.  He was uneasy.  I thought a lot of it was that he had all the responsibility with the RV, but it was the beginning of his separation anxiety.  Who knew that it would happen?  I certainly had no idea.

People kept telling me that it takes time – that they needed time to adjust when they moved away from their homes to a new place.  I prayed that he would, too, but it just kept getting worse and worse.  Eric tried SO hard.  He really tried to show me a good time, and do things with me towards the end, but it was all just for my benefit.  He really wasn’t happy and didn’t enjoy life very much.

I don’t know what’s going to happen when he gets to New York.  I know he has a lot of love and support there – friends and family.  I don’t know how easy it will be for him to find a job.  Things are bad in construction all over the country.  I know he’ll be happy to be out of San Diego, because he has the idea in his head that San Diego is at the root of all his problems.

So, when he’s able to ride the mountains in New York and see his friends and family, I’m hoping that it will make him happy.  If he can find a job, he will really be happy, because that’s been bothering him a lot.  The plan was for us to come to San Diego and for me to work and him to have a relaxed, happy semi-retirement.  Unfortunately, the plan worked perfectly – except he wasn’t happy!

I got a job right away and could have been on staff by June, but of course I couldn’t accept a full-time job with a clear conscience because I assumed we weren’t staying.  If Eric had been willing to hang in there for a year and leave in 2009 I might have gone back with him, but he was too impatient.  He said he couldn’t stay here any longer.  He had to leave.  I told him I wasn’t willing to pack everything up and move back to New York when our future was so unknown.  So, he left this morning.

I called him when I got home from work at 5:30pm and he was in Flagstaff, Arizona.  He told me he would call when he was settled in a campground, and he called at 7:30pm to say he was parked for the night.  He said he was going to take a shower and go to sleep.  He was on the road for almost 12 hours and had driven about 500 miles!

I don’t want anyone to worry about me.  I will be fine.  I am safe and sound in this cute apartment, which I love.  I have a great job, which I am enjoying.  I just got a raise and I expect to be there indefinitely.  People in HR are already telling me about how they dress up for Halloween and we’re trying to come up with a theme (apparently, the firm has almost a competition going on amongst different groups and HR is famous for their wonderful themed costumes).  A few people have also told me that I have to stick around for the holiday party in December, which is an extravaganza.

I invited myself to their company picnic next Saturday, July 19th.  I knew about it, because I’m working in HR and I had to review the contracts for the boss.  I asked my ride if I could go, and she said I couldn’t because I’m a temp, but every employee is invited with a guest and if I could find someone who wasn’t taking anyone, I could go.  So, I looked at the list and asked a girl I knew (not well) who had RSVP’d that she wasn’t taking anyone.  She said I could be her guest, so I’ll get to go.

I am happy to have something to look forward to.  Even if Eric was here he wouldn’t get to go with me, so I don’t feel like he’s missing something.  It will be a fun day and I think that’s what I need right about now.

I have absolutely no plans for the weekend, except to run a lot of errands – post office, library, COSTCO, KIELS, laundry, and a pedicure!

I will keep you all informed of Eric’s progress.  I know you’re all as worried about him as I am.  I wish I could say, “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine.”  Unfortunately, I’m not sure myself.  I can only pray and ask you to pray, too.   Pray that he makes a safe journey.  Pray that he finds happiness and contentment.  Pray that we will be reunited soon.