Today is one year since we left our little house in Whitestone. It seems like years. I wish I could say that this was the best year of my life, and that we have no regrets, but I’m afraid that’s not the case. This has probably been one of the worst years of my life – and definitely the worst that Eric has ever had. He’s pretty much been on a downward spiral since we left Whitestone.
He misses New York – the greenery, the change in seasons, the beauty of the mountains the the trees. He misses our house in Whitestone. He misses all our friends and family. He misses work. As for me, I never really think about anything except friends and family – and occasionally Broadway. Otherwise, there’s not much I miss. I don’t miss our house, or my shop, even though I thought I would. It’s not like I didn’t really love our house, or my shop – I had the happiest years of my life there. It’s just that I was so ready to move here – had dreamed about it for so many years, that I had no regrets about leaving.
If I could see the writing on the wall, if anyone had warned me, if I had any notion of what was to come, just an inkling of what would happen, we never would have left – believe me. It’s not like I was determined to leave, come hell or high water. I just never dreamed, in a million years, that any of this would happen. I never dreamed Eric would resist change and have such a hard time adjusting. I never dreamed he would hate San Diego (how could I possibly dream that he would?). I never believed we would have anything other than a beautiful life in paradise. But, as John Lennon wrote, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
So, here we are. One year later. I have found San Diego to be everything I dreamed of – and more. Eric thinks it is hell on earth. He’ll tell you that summers in New York are better than summers in San Diego. He’ll tell you it’s a barren desert and that he can’t imagine why anyone would want to live in “this dump.” He’ll complain about the fact that the sun shines all the time and it never rains (it hasn’t rained in about 3 months). He’ll tell you that the reason there are no bugs in San Diego is that nothing can survive here. We look at the same view, but see totally different things. It’s the saddest thing you can imagine to find a place to be so desirable, and have it be so repulsive to the one you love.
I try to appreciate every single day here, because I know I will not live here forever, which is what I really want. I am willing to sacrifice, and to compromise, because Eric is my partner, my husband, my one true love, and we are a team. My only request is that we do it on my terms. Eric would love for me to quit my job (which I love), pack everything up (which overwhelms me, just thinking about it) and go back to NY (which depresses me, just thinking about it). I have told him that I can’t do it. I just can’t. I have promised him – and I mean it (otherwise I’d never say it here in my blog, would I?) – if he goes back to New York and is happy there – really happy – I will join him, even though it’s not really what I want.
That’s because I believe I can be happy anywhere. I’m much stronger than Eric, and much more adaptable. I may not be able to work in the city and commute in the winter, but I would be willing to temp for the warmer months, and hibernate in the colder months. I’d be thrilled to be back in NY, seeing my friends and family all the time again, going to all the Broadway musicals, and enjoying the great things New York has to offer. But I will not be happy in the winter – that I know. Yet I’m willing to go and deal with it – at least for a couple of years.
Then, we will move to North Carolina. I know that is also not exactly what I want, but you can’t always get what you want, can you? It’s buggy and muggy and colder in North Carolina than it is in San Diego, but it’s warmer than New York, and so I will go. I will get a job, and make friends, and take yoga and do my crafting, and build a life there, just like I did here. I am willing to do all this – but I am not willing to move back to the East Coast until Eric has proven to me that he will be happy -- that he can make it. I need to know that he can find work, enjoy mountain biking, and be happy.
I’m just afraid that the problem is not San Diego, but Eric himself. I think he had too much change too fast and he was unable to adjust. Now, he’s just depressed and he blames it all on San Diego, but I know it’s not so bad here. It’s just that he’s focusing all his frustration, unhappiness, and depression on a place, rather than on himself. It’s easier to hate San Diego than to work on adjusting, work on fitting in, work on making it work. Well, enough about that.
This morning I woke up at 4:40am and didn’t fall back to sleep. I was tired and when I got to work there was so much to do. I started to get flustered (it’s my ADHD and my current stress level), and just calmed myself down saying “Just do one thing at a time and you’ll be out of here in 4 hours.”
One of the girls who works at the reception desk emailed to let me know that there was decaf coffee upstairs. I thought it was so sweet that they thought of me, because they knew I was looking for it on Friday. I went upstairs and another woman told me that she also drinks decaf and was going to make it every morning. Then she said, “If you get here before me, you can just make it instead of me.” I told her I don’t make coffee – I don’t even own a coffee maker. I told her that if I want coffee I get in my car and go to STARBUCKS – otherwise I’ll just drink a SNAPPLE. The only reason I had coffee at work, is because someone else made it.
I told her that I bought FOLGERS DECAF INSTANT COFFEE this weekend at KEIL’S and that I brought it to work. She offered me the decaf she made and told me the coffee was very weak and I tasted it and it tasted like dirty dish water and I spilled it out as soon as I got downstairs.
I then emailed the two of them and told them that I was going to stick with my decaf instant coffee. I think they must have been insulted, because neither of them responded to my email, but what can I tell you? I didn’t ask them to make it for me, and I didn’t volunteer to make coffee. That means washing out the filter, and the pot, and I just don’t want to deal with it – especially without my rubber gloves. It annoys me enough to wash out my Betty Boop mug and salad container every day!
Next, I find out that the woman who has been training me is going on vacation tomorrow and won’t be back until next Wednesday! I’m really not confident and comfortable sending things out on my own, so I was pretty stressed out by that news. The guy I work with will help me, but he’s SO busy that I hate to bother him. Nancy sits about 5 feet from my cube and I bother her about 20-30 times in 4 hours. I can’t do that to the guy, so I’m going to be more on my own, or I’ll have to ask the boss and she’s the one that wanted me working on my own, so I don’t know how big that’s going to go over with her.
At least she’s only going to be in tomorrow, because she’s away at a conference in Denver Wednesday through Friday. I have a feeling I’m going to be bored, because the guy is so busy he won’t have time to help me much, and things will just build up until the woman comes back from vacation next Wednesday. So, that was my morning.
Of course, my afternoon in HR was great – as always. I always make the girls laugh, and they tell me the afternoons are so much better, because I’m there. It just warms my heart! They’re so sweet to me. When the four of us were together at brunch on Sunday, Elsa told Eric that I fit right in and that everyone loves me. It was so sweet of her to say, and made me feel great.
By the way, when I got in the car with her this morning, the first thing she said was that they had a great time, they were so happy to meet Eric, and they want to go out again really soon. I was so happy! They’re a great couple and Eric really liked them, too, so I hope we can go out again, because it was a fun afternoon. I had to laugh, because she told me that she and Stephen took a nap as soon as they got home and I said, “We did, too!”
When I got home this afternoon, I just relaxed for a few minutes and read my mail and then we went out to meet Marianne and Allan for dinner. First, I deposited my check from the agency, and then we drove to MISSION HILLS to CITY WOK.
We got a spot right in front of the restaurant on West Washington Street and went inside. They weren’t there yet, so we got a table. They gave us a bowl of noodles and duck sauce, which was a big mistake, because it was practically empty by the time they showed up! We ordered a bowl to share of hot & sour soup, shrimp with garlic sauce, Kung Pao chicken and spicy tomato and basil chow fun. Everything was really delicious and we had just enough food, but not too much.
There’s never a lull in the conversation and before we knew it, it was 8:30pm and I had to get home before I turned into a pumpkin! When we left, they reminded us that they’d be back in San Diego at the end of September, and I started singing, “See you in September.” Remember that song, by THE HAPPENINGS? I had the album when I was a kid. We got in the car to drive home and I sang it on the way and couldn’t believe I rembered every word. If you’d like to take a trip down memory lane, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlkYqErYIyg
When we got home Eric watched TV and I just worked on the computer and listened to THE HAPPENINGS sing “See You In September” over and over again. It made me happy!