This is my 400th Blog Entry. Can you believe I've been doing this for 400 days?
I woke up at 4:15am this morning and made the mistake of looking at the clock. Big mistake. I knew I had almost 2 hours before the alarm went off, but I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I tossed and turned for an hour and a half and then, when I only had about 20 minutes left, I finally dozed off and had the WEIRDEST dreams. I mean weird. I won’t go into it, but they were really strange. Let’s just leave it at that!
So, I started off the day yawning and tired. In the car going to work I told Elsa that Eric was leaving on Tuesday and I wanted to take Monday off. She was so sweet. When I told her Eric was going back to NY (again) she said, “Whyyyyyyyyy?” Like that – like it made her very sad. I explained that the last time he left he had the RV and that didn’t work out, and he came back thinking it would be better, but it wasn’t and now he’s going back without the RV and will be staying with his sister and I will follow when he’s settled.
She feels really bad, but she was very supportive. I told her I will eventually tell people, but for now I want to keep it to a minimum, so she said she won’t say anything.
I had a pretty good morning. I kept busy, but it wasn’t stressful. At one point I said hi to one of the girls and she said, “What’s the matter? You’re not your usual peppy self?” The woman I work with (who knows Eric is leaving) looked at me and I just said, “I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” It’s funny how perceptive that woman is!
I had a nice, fun afternoon in HR. It’s ALWAYS fun in HR. I went down to the coffee cart with 3 of the girls at lunch and got my decaf vanilla mocha skim latte. It’s delish!
Work was not too busy. The resumes come in like crazy on Monday and Tuesday and then slow down so that by Friday it’s just a few, and I really can catch up on other things. They have promised me that by the time Elsa and another girl go on sabbatical in October I will be in HR full time. I CANNOT wait!
Today, the girl in HR who recently got engaged asked me if I would decoupage a box in which she can put all the memorabilia from their engagement. I was so thrilled. I told her I will need color copies of photographs and anything else she wants on there. I’m so excited. I need a project! She’s going to give me the box and everything else and I’ll just supply the glue, varnish and labor!!!! I’m sure she’ll offer to pay me, but I’ll tell her it’s an engagement gift. I just love doing things like this, because I know she’ll cherish it forever!
At one point in the morning I made a big FOR SALE sign to put in the window of the RV. When I got home tonight, we went out, put the sign on the RV (so it’s visible from the street) and then I went to get my eyebrows waxed. She’s a little extreme and they’re so thin and sparse they’re practically not there, but I hate them bushy, too. I can’t win!
After that we went to the movies and saw that BURN AFTER READING was playing at 8:10pm. We bought two tickets and then went to Pacific Beach to HAIKU for dinner. Eric was sentimental, because he knew it was his last time there and that was the first restaurant we ever went to in San Diego and we’ve eaten there more than any other restaurant in San Diego. It’s “our” place. We had a delicious meal of a Volcano Roll, a spicy tuna roll, a COMA (which is stuffed jalapeno peppers) and shumai. All as good as ever!
The movie was really entertaining – surprising and funny. I absolutely LOVE Brad Pitt and George Clooney – they’re two of my favorite contemporary actors – so I thoroughly enjoyed them, along with John Malkovich (who is AMAZING), Frances McDormand and Tilda Swinton. It’s a great script, great cast, and we highly recommend it!
I was yawning all morning, all afternoon and all night, so I was anxious to get home. We don’t have much planned for the weekend, but Eric has to finish packing and, inbetween, we’ll try to fit in as much fun as possible.
Eric’s attitude is not very positive so I have to admit there are moments when he says things that frustrate me and I say to myself, “He’s leaving and then you won’t have to hear it anymore.” Sometimes I really look forward to it and I feel guilty about that, but it’s SO hard to live with someone who has such a bleak outlook. It’s so contrary to everything I believe in and I just can’t deal with it after a while.
Even though I’ll miss him terribly, and will be very lonely, at least I’ll have some peace in my life. There won’t be anyone to try to uplift, to support, to encourage, to help, to carry. I may be alone, but at least I’ll have some peace. I just hope Eric can find some peace in his life.
Tonight he made a statement that he doesn’t want to see our friends when he gets back to NY, because it won’t be the same without me. I was SO frustrated by that statement, so furious, so angry. How can he say that? Doesn’t he know how important friends are when you’re depressed? I didn’t say a thing. I just looked away. He said, “I made you mad, didn’t I?” He KNOWS how his statements affect me. It’s not like he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He plans everything he says very carefully and says it purposely to get a reaction out of me.
I never realized it until our therapist pointed it out. She says Eric goes fishing and I’m the fish. He keeps throwing out the bait until I bite – and eventually I always did, but not anymore. I just smiled and said, “You know best. If that’s what you want to do, you can do that, but please bear in mind that I’m going to be doing a lot of socializing while you’re gone. I’m not going to sit at home alone all weekend long. I’m going to go out with friends, and make new friends.” He looked surprised. Did he really think I was going to be a loner? ME?
So, the next three days will be very interesting. I know we will have fun, but there’s the underlying tension of his knowing he’s leaving and his fears and stress and depression. It’s not going to be easy – for either of us. Yet this is what has to be done. He knows he has to go and I know he has to go. I just hope he will change his mind about seeing all our friends. I know they want to see him. I know it would be great for him to see how many people love him, and to enjoy their company. That’s something he was sorely lacking in SD. He never made friends. The only friends he had were friends I introduced him to.
In NY he has his own friends, and OUR friends – friends that we made together and friends who really love him. There’s also his whole family, and I know he won’t have any problem being with them, so at least I know he’ll be surrounded by people who love him.