You know that Al Pacino line from GODFATHER III – “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in!” Well, that’s what happened to me today.
First of all, I got a little bit of a late start and then hit traffic after I hit STARBUCKS. It was obvious I was going to be late, so I called one of the girls and let her know. I was only about 10 minutes late, but I was horrified, because it was my first day full-time in HR and I was going to get to my desk after 8:00am!
When I arrived I apologized to whomever I saw and they were laughing and brushing it off as nothing, which it really was, but I still felt bad, because that’s how neurotic I am!
Then, I saw the woman I work for upstairs (the boss) come out of one of the HR girls’ offices and I knew she was mad that I wasn’t upstairs this morning. When she left I went in and said, “Is she mad?” She told me she wasn’t (but I knew she was), but explained that they still needed me and wanted me to go back up there starting tomorrow morning. I told her I wouldn’t be here tomorrow, because of Yom Kippur, and the temp won’t be there on Friday, because she had some pre-existing commitment, so I’m starting again on Monday, but at least it won’t be every day and it will only be three hours in the afternoon – 1:00pm – 4:00pm.
So, I’ll get to do whatever I need to do in HR in the morning and then after lunch I can go up there and train for 3 hours and still have an hour when I get back to my desk.
It won’t be forever – just a week or two, until they think she knows everything she needs to know and I can go over things with her a few times. It’s really for the woman I was working WITH, because she’s so busy she needs to concentrate on doing stuff, so therefore I need to help with the training.
I don’t mind, because this is a scenario I can live with. It’s temporary and it’s less time, and it’s in the afternoon. The temp really is very nice and she’s trying, she’s just not that sharp!
Meanwhile, when I saw the boss from upstairs leave I got upset, because I knew she was mad at me, even though the HR girl said she wasn’t. With everything I have going on, it just got to me and I felt like I was going to cry. I went into the bathroom and – with tears in my eyes – ran right into the cute young woman who just got engaged. She said, “Are you alright?” I pulled myself together and said, “I’m fine. Really.” Another HR girl was brushing her teeth, and when they left they both ran to the other girl and told her I was crying in the bathroom.
Next thing you know she came in. I really wasn’t hysterical or anything, I was just trying to pull myself together, because I knew it was stupid to be upset, but I couldn’t help it. This is something I’m working on in therapy, because the therapist pointed out to me that I try to be perfect and have these real fears about disappointing people.
I know it’s true, and I think I’ve always been that way. She asked me who I was afraid to disappoint when I was a child. I told her I didn’t really feel I worried about that then, but I guess if I analyzed it, it would have to have been my father, because he was much more demanding than my mother. He really expected a lot from all of us, and I always felt like I let him down, because I wasn’t as academically successful as my two older sisters. That was always hard for me, because I would be asked why I couldn’t be more like them, and I just couldn’t figure it out myself.
Later in life I realized I had other talents, which my father greatly appreciated, like my singing and dancing, but I guess that “need to please” stayed with me. It affects me in a negative way, because I’m SO afraid of disappointing people. It’s why I give 150% at a job, and I told my therapist that I thought that was a positive trait, but she said it’s only positive if it isn’t affecting me negatively. Isn’t she smart?
So, here’s the thing. The woman in HR told me I have to just do what I can, and not worry about getting EVERYTHING done for EVERYBODY. It was good to hear, but I know it won’t be easy to actually do. Anyway, I had a very pleasant rest of the morning and left at 1:00pm with my iced decaf latte from the café stand outside, because I thought I deserved a treat.
Unfortunately, the woman I work with up there had baked cookies with a secret ingredient – potato chips! They were AMAZING. Crunchy and sweet and salty at the same time (which is a combo I adore). You would never guess they had potato chips in them, but then when she tells you, you know that’s why they taste so good. If anyone is interested in the recipe, just let me know! It’s actually online at work in the firm’s cookbook!
I only had 2 cookies (ONLY!), and then when I got back to my desk I had a bagel and cream cheese that was left from a present sent over to HR by one of the vendors. They get lots of nice gifts like that. Sweet!
I worked until 5:00pm, drove home, and my gas light came on when I was almost home. Darn! I was hoping to make that tank last until Jimmy got here. You see, I HATE pumping gas. I hate the smell of gas, I hate using the pump, because I always have a problem (at least I did the 3-4 times I’ve ever tried), and I have fire paranoia and I’m afraid the whole thing will burst into flames. So, Eric ALWAYS filled us up since we got here. When I was in NY it was easy to find a full service place that didn’t charge extra for the service, but here in San Diego there’s no such thing as an attendant!
Anyway, the good news is I did it myself – no problem – and it only cost $45 from an empty tank! Eric filled it up right before he left, so that tank did last me more than 3 weeks. Usually, I could go a month of just neighborhood driving, because I’m not commuting, but now that Elsa’s on sabbatical (and I miss her so!), I’m driving about 25 miles a day – which is about one gallon.
So, now I’ll be filling up less than every two weeks. Boo hoo! At least I’m saving money, because I was paying Elsa $5 a day to commute with her. After a while she said I didn’t need to pay her anymore (she’s really sweet), but she drives completely out of her way to pick me up and it’s wear and tear on her car, and she won’t let me share in the commute, so I insist. It only seems fair!
Anyway, when I came home I wasn’t hungry at all, so I got undressed and started watching TV and fell right into a deep sleep. I had some WEIRD DREAMS, and didn’t wake up until 8:00pm. One of my dreams was that there were two boys outside talking (which there might have been), but in my dream they were talking about ME! Paranoid much?
I’m really going to try to fast tomorrow, but I know I’ve already blown it, because I didn’t eat before sundown. I decided to have the rest of the salad I had leftover from last night, but didn’t have any dessert (I usually have my weight watcher’s ice cream bar).
I watched AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, THE BIGGEST LOSER, and TOP DESIGN – some of my favorite reality shows. I know I’ll be up late tonight, because of my nap, but I don’t have to worry about getting up early tomorrow. Wheeeeee!